I’ve ghosted my own blog.
All this time I’ve prided myself on always finishing what I’ve started; my commitments are not easily broken. Yet here I am – I’ve ignored this blog, something that I love, for months. And it’s not just this blog. I’ve neglected the things that make me happy and give my life balance – blogging, journaling, yoga, writing in all sense of the word.
The easy, millennial answer is that I’ve been really tired. I’m a retail supervisor; after a day that involves moving around a store for eight hours and being in a positive, social mood to even the most difficult people, I’m simply drained. The last thing I want to do is think. I’ll read a book, but I won’t reflect on the day.
The other, more real reason goes deeper than that. I don’t think of myself as a writer anymore. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever sat down to write a novel, but my love of reading and writing has always been a major part of my identity. Now, I rarely have the chance to get creative in between managing the store and executing markdowns.
It’s a classic case of Imposter Syndrome – I don’t think I deserve to blog, or write at all, because it’s not my sole focus and obviously I’m not good enough. I have a day job that I don’t feel very successful at, so how can I devote time and energy to something else?
This idea, of course, is ridiculous. The only person telling me “no” is myself.
I feel like I’ve not only ghosted this blog, but actually I’ve been ghosting myself too. I ignore my body’s messages to relax and just write something down. I run away from the things that could make me happy and instead lay in bed on my computer feeling anxious about all of the things I’m not accomplishing. I’m being passive and hoping this phase goes away on its own.
It’s one thing to ghost a hookup, but it is QUITE another thing to ghost one’s self. No wonder I’m unhappy and stagnant. I’m not thriving because I’m taking no action to get out of this rut and feel okay with myself again.
My first order of business is to get back to blogging and writing (hey, baby steps). I’m not going to put it on the backburner any longer. I’ve been writing this for about a half hour and already I feel lighter, like I’m actually being mindful and engaged and all those other buzz words being thrown around in mental health conversations.
After all, everyone has to start somewhere.